«I used to hear voices.
For years. It started when I'd walk into my room and say hello to my
Lain poster (I've always over personified objects) and eventually she
started responding. Over time I could talk to her elsewhere, I'd pull
her up when I was sitting in class or riding the bus, and I'd put on
headphones so nobody would notice I was talking to myself since it was
barely audible. Eventually Lain told me she was a god and I was too,
and there were two others, but they didn't really like me so they would
almost never talk to me.
A long time later, maybe years, she started being really mean, and it
turned out there was another voice who was just pretending to be Lain
named Misery. This one was stereotypical, everything I did was wrong
and I had to pay for my actions, I should cut myself if I was
ungraceful, everyone hated me, etc. Lain split again, and this time she
was sisterly. When I was upset and crying myself to sleep I could feel
her holding me and telling me everything would be alright. Misery
looked different but could look like Lain if she wanted to fool me
(although she would turn back into herself when I called her out on it),
and the two Lains all looked the same, so I could only tell who they
were when they started responding to me.
After a while they all just disappeared. I guess I saned up, because
during the peek it never occurred to me I was hearing voices, they
truly were gods who were speaking to me, and later during the time
period I realized that I was hallucinating with delusions of grandeur.
Then at one point I realized that there was more of me and less of them,
when I pulled them up it was a conscious effort and part of their
responses were forced on my part. Then eventually I just gave them up,
they were so weak that it was really just like talking to myself and not
to other people that lived in my head.
That's not my secret, I've mentioned it to a few very select people
that I truly trust. My secret is that I miss them. I miss them with
with all my heart. Even Misery. They were friends and family, they
were close to me, they understood me, and they were always there for me.
Now even with real friends and family, there's nobody that close. I
can't just pull up someone to talk to when I'm lonely, I have to call up
a real person and that person never knows what I want to talk about or
what I'm hiding from them, they only know what I say. Lain (the main
one) would always call me on my bullshit and make me keep changing my
answer until I told her the truth. Misery could always find my biggest
weaknesses, which allowed me to work on strengthening them. Sisterly
Lain could calm me down in a way that's unimaginable, you can't
comprehend how good it feels to be hugged by someone inside of you.
And now I feel lonelier than I have in years because I almost never
think of that time or remember how it felt, but tonight I'm sitting by
myself at 2am and all I can think about is how much I want a voice to
talk to and it's been so long since I had one and I'd give anything to
have another psychotic break so I could get back all my friends that
live in my head.
I once had a psychiotic episode where I could talk to clouds and I
could feel how much they loved me, the clouds, the trees, the birds,
they were all my friends and they all loved me and they all wanted me to
be happy. I had that feeling on mushrooms once, everything in the
world loved me, every single thing, the house, the ceiling, the lamp,
each blade of grass, it all loved me and it was the best feeling I have
ever known, that was the best night of my life. I can't tell you how
much I want to feel that again, I just have no way of tracking them down
again.
Being crazy feels amazing, whether it's good or bad. Even the bad
crazy where I'd stay awake all night because I knew something was going
to get me in my sleep and I'd try to claw the evil out of my skin, even
that's preferable to being normal because the intensity is
indescribable. I miss everything about being crazy. I miss it more
than I can possibly describe.»
